I feel so much better. The sediments of my distortions are finally amassing at the bottom of my swim. I feel the nimbus disappearing in the wind of aliveness. I feel i am in the best physical health of my life. I won’t say things are looking better, neither are worse; they are just as they shld be. Everything is placed in its right place it seems though my emotions might not be always nodding with the décor but still it doesn’t really matter that much if you don’t think about it. As long as you are alive nothing matter. I am not as experienced as some of the others but I can assure you that life is going to happen as long as you are alive, either you make it happen by your terms or it will happen by it’s own terms; just don’t give up just yet, wait, just wait my friend.
I don’t know but i feel like i am avoiding life. Am i really running away or running towards? Am i even running? When there are no surroundings how can i tell if I’m running on the road or on the treadmill? I am feeling a little guilty of myself. Its like i am letting an assuring blind man help me cross the road. I dont know but i do feel that life might be plagued by my bad decisions; still it wont matter if I made great decisions amidst little bad ones. I am scared, scared of commitment. All the questions are my life right are like answered with a nay. I am opposing everybody. Am i doing the right thing? I guess i will find out.
Wow!! What was that which happened to me…It was beyond anything, no words no explanation. I am intrigued; i am confused. I want to ask questions but i am too speechless to do so. I dont know what happened to me, did it really happen; did anything happened or did my mind trick me into exaggeration of emptiness. I dont know what happened was spiritual or madness, was it the feeling of fullness or emptiness; anyways it was the deepest i have ever gone inside my mind or did i? I dont know anything whether anything happened or not, i cant remember the happening but the fragments of the experience is causing fireworks inside my prolonged darkness. He is someone else…i am so grateful to him. He is magical…oh he is so magical..
The verdict is given. I dont know what to call myself careless or carefree, similar looking words with vastly dissimilar meanings. I don’t how to react. It’s like I’m given a million dollars to enjoy the final week of my life. I am finding myself standing at the junction of all roads, one leads to publicity and fame, one leads to depression and suicide, one leads to freedom and salvation. I need a small piece last piece of advice, i promise. What would u do if you were served with the punishment of life-imprisonment? Would you wait for the knell to deafen you, would you try to escape, or would you stick you neck to the ceiling ? What would you do? What do u expect me to do, u know I’ll do the opposite of of what u think.!!!!
I feel nauseated, either i am spinning or the world is spinning around my head. I feel blank undoing the blots in my character. The world is irreparable and incurable. I dont feel any sense of belonging towards it; yes i may have to touch its feet but under no obligation will i kiss it. I have failed in my efforts to brush the stains off someone else’s T-shirt. I have switched off the non-existant charm to my personality. Will i neither bother you nor will allow you to bother me. We might cross paths once upon a time but dont expect to see my face inside your tents begging for food.
The only thing matters to me now is just me myself and my experience of this world. All my engagement are meant to satisfy my outdoor needs. You might call me selfish but life is short and you would be terribly wrong to expect me to blow the smoke out of ur fire. I can never trust you anymore i can never love you anymore….our relationship is tinted with betrayal…i have replaced commotion with silence, matches with the lighter, murder with suicide….the only member left in the group is me…just me
I have worked enough for someone i dont obey. I have done the most i could do to just prevent the civil war with my thoughts. It’s time to draw the line. I have always stood up for what i thought was wrong. I agree not to know the right path bt I’ve blacklisted the wrong ones. I cannot consciously lead myself to misery. I have to speak up for what is wrong for me. I cannot hide any longer even if i dread the consequences of my betreyal to the society. I want to live according to my own terms even if that leads me to mindful poverty i shall not settle for mindless wealth and sorrow. I will dictate my own life. I need more courage and I’ll gather it; i hv to.
My head feels so light. The crown of horrors appear to be melting in the rain of my thoughts. My heart is bleeding with emotion wispering the breath of loneliness. I miss him, I miss him soo so much. I have loved him more than I could ever imagine loving another human being (yet). My longing, my desires to drain my thoughts into your landfills is ever so increasing. Where are you? Teach me will you to unfeel what I feel for I dont have the guts to ask you to stay with me just a second longer. I am a better friend than a lover I guess!!
The skies are roaring, the waves are stretching its arms against the curse of vanity. I am sitting and watching like the night owl wanting for my dream to last a minute longer. What is all this? All this is just a dream. My eyes are snoring, my body’s resting from the unbending hurdles it shall be exfoliating itself with.
I dont want to wake up to a creation which is not mine. I want to keep hovering around you while you are sitting at the edge swinging your feet to the cyclonic winds. It is so unexpectedly suprising but maybe it is me who would push you down the un-inclined slide, maybe i am the one who would throw you into your dream or eternity as you might call it, then should you escort me into yours?